Going through the process of Grieving the past is NOTHING easy.
Oct 26, 2018
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YB_9R2VpTT8

this is my story and welcome to it
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welcome to Thursday morning Wow
it has crept up on us once again this
weekend is just right around the corner
it is nasty here today it is gloomy and
rainy but I am just getting myself put
together I am having oatmeal for
breakfast let's see I have to go to the
pharmacy and pick up some of my meds
that needed to be refilled which lexapro
was one of them my antidepressant and my
doctor bumped up my Bruce Bruce Burren I
think it's how it's called it's the anti
anxiety and mood stabilizer so he bumped
that up from 10 milligrams to 15
milligrams so I do have to go and pick
that up but they didn't have the 15 in
stock yesterday so um I went ahead and
told him just I'll pick them all up at
the same time which would be today not a
biggie uh what else we're gonna go and
do a little bit of just a small thing of
grocery shopping we just need to get
like the basics bread I've been doing a
lot of reading and research on thyroid
if any of you guys suffer from
thyroidism not really sure exactly which
one I have yet I'm still waiting for the
doctor to call me I called him this
morning but they they hadn't made the
results were in but he hadn't read them
yet so they can't give me the results
just yet um but I read on there a lot
about how like eggs and and certain
foods can help
and then there's foods to avoid so if
any of you guys suffer with anything to
do with that if you can let me know I
would appreciate it any type of help
would also just help me which I'm trying
somehow to be able to insert a picture
of my back of my leg without being too
um I'm modest about the situation so I'm
trying to figure that out to just show
you guys why I haven't been being able
to do much activity right now
I'm still doing my walking and stuff and
that's what I've been counting as my
exercise because clearly right now to do
any extra exercise it puts too much on
my leg and it's just it makes my leg
hurt for the whole day and I really
don't want to sit in pain and I'm really
trying not to take pain meds if I can
help it so I am trying to figure out
that part of it
as you guys can see yes I did change the
name of the channel it is Amy's life
journey and I couldn't be happier with
the decision that I made
I took everybody's considerations our
considerations I took everybody's
suggestions and kind of put pieced it
together and put it together and that's
what I came up with and it's kind of
funny because that's what the beginning
of my videos have been saying for the
last few weeks but that wasn't plan that
clearly was not plan I was not planning
to change my name until just one day I
was like hey so anyways uh I will check
it with you guys I don't know sorry I
feel like I have a hair up my nose and I
really don't I promise I know um but I
will check in with you guys in a little
bit I I know the kids are eating myself
the kids are eating Olly is drinking his
tea and eating and then we'll figure out
what we want to do how we want to do
this day but um anyways I just wanted to
say an official good morning and I will
catch up with you guys I do have a
couple of new things coming from Amazon
for my phone holders I got a new
windshield holder and it's the magnet
one I know a lot of people well a few
people said not to do the magnet one but
I did not get the magnet one that hooks
to the vent I got the one that hooks to
your window so I'm really excited about
that because I think that's gonna
eliminate a lot of jumping and bouncing
as I'm driving and I noticed yesterday's
vlog there was quite a few times when my
phone bounced I think too hard and
like knocked out the The Voice so I went
ahead and did that and then I got a new
phone holder because the one that I had
it's great but the one that I got it's
an actual vlogging phone holders so it
will make it a lot easier for me to do
my vlogging that way so anyways I will
check in with you guys in a little bit I
just wanted to update you guys let you
guys know I am here and I will see you
guys in Tucson today alright we are back
we did not go to Costco it started
downpouring and I called to check on my
glasses and they said that they should
be in either after 3:30 or tomorrow but
Olli was like well it's only we have to
go right this minute so what why don't
we just wait and let the rain do its
thing and if it's gonna stop then we can
run out afterwards Wow
are you alright
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and he has a meeting at 4:30
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we use inside voices okay anyways so we
just had a little lunch buddies like
feeling really icky I don't know why so
I'm thinking I'm all lay down for a
little nap and see if that helps my icky
feeling to go away I'm sure you did hurt
your mouth with that growl and so I'm
just sitting here just relaxing at the
moment and then go from there but I
think I really miss prettiest this child
on this hot mess
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maybe and that's not gonna work anyways
I'll be with you guys a little bit
clearly they've become dinosaurs and I
can't talk now so I'll talk to you guys
in a little bit
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you guys welcome to the evening clearly
I didn't do much today at all it has
just been it's been one of those days
it's been one of those days where you
know going through trauma healing is one
of the hardest things that you can go
through and have team to sift through
feelings and emotions and everything
it's not easy it's it sincerely not easy
and so that's definitely had me on a
different roller coaster today it's it's
been one of those just emotional roller
coasters where one minute I'm okay
next minute I'm not I think I've gone
from every emotion today that I can fill
between you know feeling okay to being
angry to being sad to being confused and
everything in between like it just
really has been a tough tough day
I think I think the hardest part about
this is the fact that you have to you
know when you're going through healing
of the past when it comes to trauma and
when you suffer from PTSD and so many
other things because of things that's
happened to you in the past it can get
hard
it really can and right now I'm dealing
with my molestation that happened as a
child I would never I would never wish
this upon my worst enemy having to re
refill the pain to refill the dirtiness
that you feel when you are going through
that it's not easy and when you have had
to hold and carry those things all your
own life it definitely doesn't make it
easy and
I think having family that has stood by
the molester and made every excuse for
him isn't easy this isn't easy to talk
about it's not but at the same time I
think it's something that again like I
said yesterday some things aren't easy
to talk about but sometimes it's needed
for for the fact that it could help so
many other people out there again that
struggle with this that has never dealt
with their own situations that they may
be hiding or holding in but I was
molested multiple times as a child and
not one of my predators paid a price
in this world the one that stands out to
me the most were two occasions my first
occasion was when I was four my mom left
me with my brother and I want to say
there was two other little girls I don't
remember exactly that part of it but I
want to say it was a couple of girls and
my mom wanted to go out and party with
her friend and so they left us with the
friend's boyfriend and it was bedtime
and I'll never forget that I woke up to
be molested and I didn't tell I hid it
away and it didn't come out until when I
was seven I was mustered again and the
person that molested me when I was seven
years old he wasn't a family member
family member he was my grandmother on
my dad so as my dad's mom's boyfriend
but they have been together for years
so they considered themselves married
and I called him grandpa even cool to
this day it makes me sick even say that
name but
when he before he even proceeded an
actual act of molestation in the sense
of like touching my vagina and stuff
like that and going further
he wouldn't him and her would pick me up
from family because we were in foster
care
he would like French kissed me every
single time he picked me up and I knew
that it didn't feel right it didn't feel
good but physically I was going through
so much that I literally as as he picked
me up I knew that it didn't feel good
and it didn't feel right but I was so
confused
I was going through so much I was just
ripped for my mom's care thrown into
family that I didn't even know they knew
us you know they knew me and my brother
but I didn't know them and they did it
I'll never forget they did on Christmas
Eve night and or was a Thanksgiving know
it was Thanksgiving night sorry it was
Thanksgiving night and I'll never forget
that we were at my aunt's house and we
were playing and they had a family
meeting and decided at that time that
they weren't going to have us go back
home and that was the very last time
that I can remember living with my mom
and so during that time he the predator
he knew I was vulnerable because I
emotionally was just Iraq and
so he proceeded to molest me and take my
precious innocence away as a child and
tell me that if I ever told that he
would kill me and put me in the shed
which was a maintenance shed in the back
of an apartment that he managed he
managed apartment complex there was
multiple victims I wasn't the only one
but I was the one that spoke up
eventually and told because I didn't I
didn't want this anymore I didn't like
it and so after I told an investigation
broke out and my dad's mom knew that
basically stuff was gonna hit the fan I
was gonna fit hit the fan hard so in the
middle of the night her and this monster
packed up their belongings and fled and
they fled out of state from Oregon to
North Carolina and back then I don't
know what the the limits are now but
back then they did not cross state to
state so Oregon could not go in North
Carolina and apprehend him and bring him
back don't know why but that's just what
it was
and the monster knew that there are such
Ettore limits so he literally stayed
away for all the years that he needed
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to be able to come back into organ and
not have to face time and I'll never
forget that my brother called me when he
did come back into organ and tell me
that he was here and gave me the address
where he was and stuff and I immediately
called the authorities like there was
just not even an ounce of second
thoughts like I was just like no this
guy's gonna pay for what he did to me
you think you got away with it while you
didn't so I called the cops and they
went and they arrested him because he
definitely had a warrant and they locked
him up for two weeks and during that
time they were preparing for a trial and
all of that and I went to the trial and
I was there with one of the family
members that I was living with at the
time and she was she was my rock at that
moment because I didn't have anybody
else fighting for me I didn't have
anybody else to to lean on and she was
the only one that ever and to this day
has ever validated my feelings and made
sure that I knew she believed me from
the get-go and that she would always
have my back when it came to that and
she's the one that took me to the court
hearing and so anyways it was a whole
day trial I want to say it was like an
eight-hour trial it could have been a
little bit shorter but not by much and I
don't remember all the details of that
day because I've really blocked most of
it out but I'll never forget I didn't
have to go on the stand they didn't make
me go on the stand but I remember that
my grandma and my aunt my dad sister
both under oath stood up on the stand
and proclaimed that he was innocent and
that it was all in my mind that I was
all made up
and that hurts so bad that hurt me got
people that should have been there to
protect me
they weren't they weren't and the
hardest part I think was was the fact
that I not only had to deal with the
trauma and the grief from when this
whole fiasco happened but I had to
relive that fiasco
once again and when it should have been
made correct and right you they have the
chance to be like no you know this
bastard is he's a liar he he really did
do these things to my niece and my
granddaughter and you know and make it
right they didn't they stood on the
stand under oath and falsely accused me
of lying still how that just broke me
and I just sat there like in shock I I
didn't know what to say my mouth just my
mouth was just open like I really didn't
have any emotion I didn't have any I
didn't have any strength to fight back
though because I was so emotionally
drained and I'll never forget that day I
had the worst headache from all of this
and seen him and just the whole thing
that was the first time I had seen him
since this whole thing happened and and
I'll never look forget that he turned
around and he looked at me because in
the state of Oregon there's something
called statutory limits and here it's a
eight years eight years from the time
that the crime happened basically they
cannot go back and prosecute somebody
which i think is complete BS I think you
should be able to go back 50 years if
that's what it is or a hundred years you
know whatever it is if you're guilty you
should have to be prosecuted and spin
even if it's an hour of the last hour of
your life if you're guilty of something
you should have to pay the consequence
that you did to somebody else but no no
that's not how organ
works it doesn't work that way people
walk away free from crap that they did
and took people's innocence and hurt
people and just because it's a statutory
limit that they get away with it like
are you kidding me and I saw Thor that
day and I'll never forget that the judge
you know how to very long conversation
and you know she looked at me straight
in the eye and she said sweetheart I
believe you
I believe that these hat things happen I
know you were molested I have not one
ounce of question that you were molested
I have the reports from when you were
seven and I have your statement from
today when you are now over 18 and your
statement is still the exact same story
I know that you're hurting and I know
that you feel like you are just being
run over and as I sat there and I listen
to her she's the first person other than
very fully whew
that ever validated my mana station and
believed me for what I knew was true she
turned and she looked at this monster
and I don't say his name because I'm
really sorry I just I can't even say his
name out loud it really makes me sick it
literally makes me want to vomit if I
say his name so the most that I can come
up with his monster and he's been a
monster he has been my monster for many
years
she looked at him and she said I know
that you're guilty I know that you
molested this little girl I know that
you have multiple victims and if it was
on my watch and I had the right I would
lock you up and throw the key away and
you would never ever see the life
outside of bars ever again you're a
predator you're a nasty monster and
there was multiple other words that this
lady said this judge and she looked at
my grandma and she looked at my and she
said I know that you're lying for him
and I know that you guys are basically
covering for him but unfortunately
because of the system the statutory
limits here in the state of Oregon I
have to release you don't think I'm
releasing you because I want to I'm
forced to but if I had my way I would
lock you as I heard that I had it how
will had to sink in that oh my god this
dude is getting away with this he's
literally going to walk free because of
a statutory limit and he turned to me he
turned around literally turned his body
around and gave me the biggest smile on
his face
you might Wells have just killed me you
might've you you you should have just
took a knife and just took me out shot
me I didn't want to live I didn't want
to live and then I have your grandmother
and your aunt come up to you and try and
hug you and tell you that they love you
after they stand on a stand under oath
and lied and backed up and covered for
this asshole like really this bastard
you're gonna cover for him and tell me
that you
love em or that you love me get out of
here I wanted to hit my grandma so bad I
stood up and I looked at her and I
looked at my aunt and I said I hope that
your son and your brother my father is
looking down on you and I hope that you
both think that he's real happy at what
you've just done to his daughter my
lawyer had to hold me back
had he not I probably would have socked
my grandma in the face I wanted to that
day I wanted I wanted to hurt them both
I wanted to hurt them I wanted to hurt
them like they hurt me I will never get
revenge I'll never get the satisfaction
of the hurt that they've caused me in my
life if you are going through something
that is just like this don't ever feel
like you're alone don't feel like you're
the only person that has suffered this
because you're not alone there's a many
of us out there men women children
unfortunately there's too many of us out
there but it just takes a little voice
to say something and make such a big
difference and I am advocating for all
of the people that have suffered from
being molested or being hurt by family
or being unvalidated when it comes to
these type of situations you are not a
liar you are telling the truth
you will find a day in your life that
you can finally not forget these actions
because you don't think you'll ever
forget the action but you can forgive
the action that way you can start paving
a new life so that way then you can move
forward and that's where I'm at right
now is I'm wanting to pave this new road
to this new journey
a new life outside of the hurt and pain
that I have dealt with all my life but
when people talk about binging and
things like that you're right I have had
a binge disorder because of these things
I want to stuff my feelings instead of
dealing with them but now the raw is
finally getting touched and it hurts it
hurts and I have been an emotional wreck
since yesterday I have cried I have
laughed I have cried I have laughed I
have wanted to stay in my quiet room and
then I'll go out with the family and my
sweet sweet supportive husband has been
right there behind me in front of me on
both sides of me supporting me in every
which way that he can and allowing me to
know that I am not alone that he is here
I could cry on him I can yell at him I
can scream at him I can laugh with him
and I can do all those things with him
because he is my husband and my best
friend and he does validate every
feeling that I have and that has
definitely made a million times better
the situation that I'm going through but
anyways I just wanted to share with you
guys because today hasn't been the best
day for me emotionally it's been pretty
daunting and it's been pretty long but
little by little I know I'm getting
through this and I am starting to feel
stronger and stronger by every minute
and even though those days of struggling
it doesn't mean I'm coming up on
everything else because I just can't I
love the life I have and I just want my
life to be so much better and so anyways
yeah that was my that was my afternoon
so um trying to think tomorrow I know my
glasses are coming in tomorrow
so some point will end up in Costco and
I don't know what else is the plan but
anyways I really hope you guys had a
wonderful wonderful day for yourselves
and I am so happy that everybody is
liking the new name I am so excited I
absolutely love the name and again don't
forget I only have two people in for the
entry of the giveaway so don't forget to
get your name in there so I can get your
name added tomorrow I will be live 5
p.m. Pacific Standard Time so I need
your guys's final emails by let's say
3:00 p.m. Pacific Standard Time so make
sure that you guys jump over Amy 1981
Ramadhan at gmail.com I will be live
tomorrow night at 5 p.m. and so we will
do the drawing and then we will get it
out to whoever is winning so I will talk
to you guys tomorrow
until then you guys take care please
have some great sweet dreams and I will
see you tomorrow bye